Hope. It was 11 years today I stepped on a rusty nail. That simple “misstep” changed the trajectory of my life. This photos was taken 2 months before the nail. I was just getting back into acting.
Normally this “anniversary” is something I don’t necessarily enjoy. I get quiet and reflect on so many things. Loss, wondering why, what would have happened if I hadn’t…
Today has been the same but there has been a quiet peace about it.
11 years ago today brought on “almost death” in more ways than just physically. But “almost dying” is what has allowed me to live.
Since that day I have known:
-brokeness and healing
-love and hate
-hope and hopelessness
-health and a body and mind that fails
-regrets and gratitude
-faith and “falling out”
-fear and strength
-pain and joy
-I’ve stood and performed in front of 1,000. I’ve spent time in a back corner room in a mental hospital bed
-I’ve made more money in a day than I knew possible and stood in line at food banks
-I’ve loved my children and failed them, too
-I’ve wondered what it was all for, while simultaneously knowing I wasn’t going to waste this “opportunity”
-I’ve hid. I’ve stood out. I’ve relented. I’ve pushed forward. I’ve felt lost while fully feeling found.
-I felt stupid and inadequate and wise beyond my years. I’ve stayed days in bed under the covers. I’ve traveled to places I never thought possible.
-I’ve made friends. I’ve had friends become enemies. I’ve learned nothing is certain while certain things are always true.
With this I can say I’ve truly lived. Not because I’ve somehow accomplished and stood on mountain tops of “success”. But because I have wept at the bottom and felt overwhelming gratitude and joy on the top with a lot of confusion in between.
[tweet_box design=”default” float=”none”]This, to me, is living. To love. To lose. To hope. To hurt. To know while recognizing you know nothing at all.[/tweet_box]
A nail pierced me. A nail pierced Jesus. It is not the same thing. But in someways I learned what He taught. Dying to self so that you can live.
Love is everything. Hate is human. And there’s whole lot of in-between.
I have visible scars and my body has been swollen and tired lately. But my inside scars have become somewhat of a jewel. Refined. Like a pearl formed on a grain of sand. Or a diamond under pressure. Or gold in a refiner’s fire. And that’s between God and I.
[tweet_box design=”default” float=”none”]You can never go back. There is only ever forward. Pain is priceless. And so are you. Despite your scars. Despite your “failures”. Despite who people say you are not or never will be.[/tweet_box]
You are living and isn’t that such a beautiful thing?
[tweet_box design=”default” float=”none”]May you know peace in your sorrow. Joy in your weariness. And hope in your helplessness. Because this is life and you are worthy.[/tweet_box]
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